Love Warrior Board-Games
Lauren and I love playing board games together. They are nothing more than sure-fire ways to end a good night on a crappy note. “Good job on your win, I hope you realize I am not offering to scratch your back as you drift into slumber…and its because you kept using your Wild cards to obstruct my path to triumph.” We, however, choose to ignore our 4 years of experience in this area and opt for the chance to ignite our competitiveness and re-live our school sports glory days at the card table, with no gym full of supporters or anyone who gives a crap who the victor is. “Hey Cousin Jen, so I totally beat Jacob 4 out of 7 times in Sequence last night.” As we know this cannot be avoided, we have made some unsaid rules on how the game is to be played:
- There will be no advice or consoling during the game. (Jacob’s rule)
“You could have used your card to go there. It would have given you 3 in a row. That’s ok, I do that all the time too. You’re still the greatest spouse in the world, better than owning 1,000 fluffy zoo panda bears, trained to bring me chocolate and dance through daisies at the sound of my whistle.”
“Oh, so I’m dumb and fat as a panda bear huh!! Guess what, I used to be able to throw a football over that mountain! This game is the worst ever!!”
- Talk is kept to a minimum, brainpower focused on the task at hand (Lauren’s rule)
“So, how was your day my love? I hope you found it very agreeable. I would love to give you kisses and rub your feet with lotion made from Costa Rican bunny tears when we finish.”
“I just forgot where I was going to go because you distracted me. I swear this is why I have lost the last 7 out of 11 times. That’s sub .500. I never lost a volleyball game until I was a Junior, did you know that!!!? A Junior! That’s like, almost a million games! My spikes were clocked at 189 mph once! You will never spike that hard!”
- Smiling is not allowed, anything that can be considered boasting, bragging, glorying, flaunting, or the puffing of ones chest in pride is punishable by a night’s sleep in complete silence with downward pointed eyebrows. (Both’s rule)
*tiny smirk lasting .001 nanoseconds. Dang you to Hades face-emotions of mine! How could you betray your maker to show emotion at this hour!! Oh wretched soul, my punishment will be significant.*
“That’s the same smile Steve had before I let loose a Xena warrior cry and roundhouse kicked him across the room. Did you know I used to show up at the baseball plate without a bat? Nothing but my right leg and a ninja kick. I batted like, .600 that year. Who needs a dumb game like this!!?”
- When the game is over, said game is to be spoken of nevermore. The last piece does not need to be placed on the board indicating success. A simple nod, followed by the game being packed away in complete silence will suffice. (Both’s rule)
“I really just got lucky. You totally would have won if you would have gone first to start the game, cause then you would have gotten the Wild that I picked up and...”
“I lost, ok? I know I lost. Stupid freakin Fetchin fetcher of freakin dumb game…I thrived on pressure. I would have won state, coach would have put me in…”
