Blessing Day!

Self eye-gouging

I thought I was a patient person up until recently. Lauren and I have figured out a system which has worked pretty well, and allows each individual to remain in the precious bed without having to stray from its warmth a couple nights a week. Lauren gets up during the night with the banshee screaming child Monday - Thursday, and I take Friday - Sunday. All of you who are like, "Hey, Jacob only has 3 days and Lauren has 4!"...I get up at 5:50 for work so back off demons!! Anyway, a my turn had come during the weekend and we had stayed up super late as usual because we are dumb and will never learn. It was probably around midnight when we finally got to bed, and Ava decided that she wanted a snack at 1am. So I got up and warmed her up a bottle and fed her. Right after I had finished and put her back down, she started fussing, which required me to stay up longer and console her. When she finally settled down and went to sleep, I got a good hour in before she decided that her nightly ritual of dropping a dump truck size poo (consistency of yellow snot) was due. At this point, my patience is wearing thin, and baby feces is not making it better. I got up to change her, but decided it would be better to make sure she was finished. 10 minutes after the sound of explosions had ceased, I figured it would be safe to address the problem. The sound of a crying baby filled my ears, and my left eye and ear started to twitch. Hair stood on end and teeth were grinding fiercely. I opened the poo soaked diaper and prepared to wipe. Scarcely had my hand gotten 1 inch from the barrel of the gun, when an explosion of grainy yellow nast was blown on my hand and all up my forearm. Unable to hold it back, a warrior yell of anguish and unbearable ticked-off-ness was bellowed through the night sky. This woke Lauren up in time to see red eyes and steaming ears in the darkness. "Step away from the child", she said. "You better let me finish." I backed off, eye-gouging myself from my unknown impatience. Apparently, I'm not a nice person at 3am.

The Duet

Ava and I had a little duet this last weekend. You will notice my overly beautiful falsetto voice, followed by her awesome harmonization. I would imagine we will probably be receiving invites to Motab after this.

Sunday Dress!

Both exhausted after Saturdays work

Daddy gives Ava a bath

Pretty Green Dress

2 Months Old/ Picture Crazy/ for the family

This is the one mom ^

Zoo Time

Graham, Rhett, and Ava enjoying all the animals at the Zoo.

Love Warrior Board Games

Love Warrior Board-Games

Lauren and I love playing board games together. They are nothing more than sure-fire ways to end a good night on a crappy note. “Good job on your win, I hope you realize I am not offering to scratch your back as you drift into slumber…and its because you kept using your Wild cards to obstruct my path to triumph.” We, however, choose to ignore our 4 years of experience in this area and opt for the chance to ignite our competitiveness and re-live our school sports glory days at the card table, with no gym full of supporters or anyone who gives a crap who the victor is. “Hey Cousin Jen, so I totally beat Jacob 4 out of 7 times in Sequence last night.” As we know this cannot be avoided, we have made some unsaid rules on how the game is to be played:

1. There will be no advice or consoling during the game. (Jacob’s rule)

“You could have used your card to go there. It would have given you 3 in a row. That’s ok, I do that all the time too. You’re still the greatest spouse in the world, better than owning 1,000 fluffy zoo panda bears, trained to bring me chocolate and dance through daisies at the sound of my whistle.”

“Oh, so I’m dumb and fat as a panda bear huh!! Guess what, I used to be able to throw a football over that mountain! This game is the worst ever!!”

2. Talk is kept to a minimum, brainpower focused on the task at hand (Lauren’s rule)

“So, how was your day my love? I hope you found it very agreeable. I would love to give you kisses and rub your feet with lotion made from Costa Rican bunny tears when we finish.”

“I just forgot where I was going to go because you distracted me. I swear this is why I have lost the last 7 out of 11 times. That’s sub .500. I never lost a volleyball game until I was a Junior, did you know that!!!? A Junior! That’s like, almost a million games! My spikes were clocked at 189 mph once! You will never spike that hard!”

3. Smiling is not allowed, anything that can be considered boasting, bragging, glorying, flaunting, or the puffing of ones chest in pride is punishable by a night’s sleep in complete silence with downward pointed eyebrows. (Both’s rule)

*tiny smirk lasting .001 nanoseconds. Dang you to Hades face-emotions of mine! How could you betray your maker to show emotion at this hour!! Oh wretched soul, my punishment will be significant.*

“That’s the same smile Steve had before I let loose a Xena warrior cry and roundhouse kicked him across the room. Did you know I used to show up at the baseball plate without a bat? Nothing but my right leg and a ninja kick. I batted like, .600 that year. Who needs a dumb game like this!!?”

4. When the game is over, said game is to be spoken of nevermore. The last piece does not need to be placed on the board indicating success. A simple nod, followed by the game being packed away in complete silence will suffice. (Both’s rule)

“I really just got lucky. You totally would have won if you would have gone first to start the game, cause then you would have gotten the Wild that I picked up and...”

“I lost, ok? I know I lost. Stupid freakin Fetchin fetcher of freakin dumb game…I thrived on pressure. I would have won state, coach would have put me in…”